We Are MorePosted: October 21, 2011
Lately, I have been using scrapbooking, and the process of it, to help me get through some hard times. Today, I was not sure I even wanted to head to the scrap room and create, I felt a bit lifeless. But, the thought of sitting in a chair doing nothing or watching mindless TV? Not really something I could imagine doing. So……..I looked through photos first. Usually, I use a current picture, because I have a vivid memory of the event. But this picture……though it was taken in 1998? The memory is still very fresh; and it related very much to some recent events.
Not because of my own privacy, but because of the privacy of my daughter, I am not going to go into detail about recent events. I just knew, that in some small way, I needed to share my feelings about something that we are struggling with collectively, in my way. A little bit of me feels like I am sharing too much, but honestly, getting it out in the open is helping me to heal.
When this photo was taken, I was 22 years old, and had been divorced from my daughter’s dad for about a month, and my parents had brought my girl down for a visit. I was singing with a summer opera company (like an apprenticeship) in Arkansas, of all places. It was very rustic living. I was feeling pretty lonely, had faced some really really harsh criticism and treatment that I wasn’t really emotionally ready to hear and feel, but I was needing some space from everything back home; so I continued to live with it. I needed to continue to look for who I was in the midst of everything I’d experienced, and lost. As much as I loved my (then three year old) daughter, I was so smothered in my own fears and pain, I’d forgotten hers. It is a big regret of mine. I think some of the journaling I wrote on this page says it all.
“Here we are in this photo, after I’d been gone for weeks in Arkansas, loving you from a distance, both physically and emotionally, but always keeping you in my heart and mind. ”
I know that there are experiences that have made the relationship with my daughter amazing, like the trips we have taken, the music we have sung together, the art we’ve done and seen together, our many things that we have in common…… and the way we’ve been together for 16 years. There is a distance now that she’s struggling. There can be pain while digging up the past, for both of us, but our relationship is so much more than that. It’s held together with love. I will always be there for her, in some way.
My daughter and I? We are so much more than the sum of our hurt.
Have a great weekend, gnomies. Blessings.